the one you look up too..

does it ever hurt you when someone you really look up to let you down...they were mean when you expected them to be there the most..i know that everything i have been through i thought you would be here no matter what...but it hurts to say your not..when someone asked me if i missed you i didnt reply i just closed my eyes and whispered sooo much..it been and up and down ride in my life lately..after losing at cover girl i dont really know if i can every set my heart on anything again..but something i have been thinking about lately is the quote..we never really ended we just fell apart and i fell like i have fallen apart from jesus but woring ever so much to put it all back together.. i want to make sure i have at least one thing right in my life...

its all going down hill AGAIN..

how come when it comes t my life i almost never get to make a choice omeone else always thinks they know what best for me.i want to be in awanas not bc i dont want to be in the bible study but to make sure that each an ever kid knows how much they are loved.some ppl are never loved at all and ppl dont understand them.all my life i have pretended to be happy.nothings wrong.but that mask shattered...i have always wanted to have all the friends in the world but i always get turned away bc im DIFFERENT!no one has every excepted me and everyone says i have friends but they dont every see the fake side to them.not my grandparents but other ppl around me telling me everyday ill never be somebody.nothing.they tell me dreams are nothing so dont chase them.and i start believeing it.bc not once in my life have i ever been picked over some of the other girls in the youth group to sing.my parents dont go to church there but then again i dont have parents just grandparents guess there is a difference after all.im trying to do something for me and all i get is drug to the ground.im not pretty or smart and maybe everyone is right.maybe i should just GIVE UP NOW!and just be a nobody like them...all i have ever wanted was for one person besides family to say they love me and mean it and not WALK AWAY!why does it all have to hurt so bad??and this is al that plays over in my head:Maybe it's the things I say,Maybe I should think before I speak But I thought that I knew enough To know myself and do what's right for me And these walls I'm building now You used to bring them down The tears I'm crying out You used to wipe away I thought you said it was easy,listening to your heart I thought you said I'd be ok So why am I breaking apart?Don't wanna be torn Don't make me have to choose between What I want and what you think I need Cause I'll always be a little girl But even little girls got to dream Now it all feels like a fightYou were always on my side But lonely I've been now You used to make it go away I thought you said it was easy,listening to your heartI thought you said I'd be ok So why am I breaking apart?Don't wanna be torn Why is all this so confusing, complicating and consuming Why did all this made me angry I want to go back to being happy These tears I'm crying outYou used to wipe away I thought you said it was easy,listening to your heart I thought you said I'd be ok So why am I breaking apart? DONT WANNA BE TORN!

nothing at all..

i did pretty much nothing at all today.got up.baked cookies.facebook.tv.walmart.
home.swimming.favebook again.i guess its been a pretty good day!

its going to be OK..

so what a day.missed church this morning not my fault.sat at home most of the day thinking of sean and his family.still praying for them.tonight i was able to talk to my mommy eva lee.we talked about maybe ppl are being this way but they dont relize it.there caught up in there on world.i just hate beinng left out.i want to be diffrent.new.loved.but i guess this is all part of gods plan.yeah i miss what everything use to be and CHANGE is the hardest thing in the world but im going to be OK.everyone says im strong but i just dont see it maybe ppl dont really see who they really are.thats why my next step in life is going to be working on my CHARACTER.ill be reading a book called LIT by Dave Edwards which i bought at camp and putting updates about the book on here i cant wait to GET started.its about living christ character from the inside out and i hope it will show me just what to DO! tll next time,xoxo love you hilary collen

not so GREAT day...

todays was a bad day.started out with the headache.fighting.yelling.and the phone ringing off the hook.ugh.so i sleep most the day.as of now im facebooking and texting a friend whos grandmother just died:'[.i feel sorry for them.as i prepare myself of the coming school year i really dont know whats to happen.i havent practiced my music all summer but then again i dont think i want to sing anymore.and the next hardest year of math is coming ALG. 2 great im going to fail..lol.as of everything else it should be pretty easy.i just hope we hav a great football season!i hope it dosent fly by too fast but then again it is almost SENIOR YEAR 2011.scary!well i guess im going to try to go to church in the morning but then again i just dont know.funeral at 3 might go but not sure i can handle to see them so down until next time,xoxo...love you hilary collen

welcome to my LiFe!

so welcome.this is all about my life.ppl say there always missing out on whats going on.so here it is.i want everyone to know me.so i have alot going on.schools about to start.lifes not easy from where i stand.i dont really have many friends.i miss my mom.it seems like things are getting harder everyday:[.but god is always on myside.i miss the old me.yes i know i have changed.i miss russell and cassie.the way things use to be but i guess i have to get use to NOW.its not easy.today i recieved something that touched my heart a card that read:hilary hey! i just wanted to let yo know you have been on my heart lately. i understand things havet been that good lately.i know we don't know each other very well, but while we are in this youth group now-i would love to get to know you better.just give me call sometime or pull me aside wed or sundayand maybe we could talk. you are such a sweet girl with so much energy. you have so much to offer this youth group and i hate to see your spirit down lately. just know im praying for you and im her to talk an listen if you want! i hope you are having a good week!=) love, her this little letter brought me to tears.why do i act this way jut bc i dont have that many friends dosent mean ppl dont love me.it means alot to know i can add somene else to my list who will listen to me and help me through.its hard being sixteen.no mom.and not having fun at all.trapped and just wanting to get out.i hope it gets better soon. everyday i pray bc jesus is easier to talk to than most ppl.till nexttime love ya, hilary collen